A day in the life of… me

The Tommy Times – What’s on Tom Today?

Tom Scott: Designer, UI Architect, Scapegoat

bad back08:50 – Good Morning – Both Richard and Judy have cut me up on the drive in, Judy adding a particularly emphatic middle finger. Discover someone has taken my favourite parking spot (wider than average, flat, no overhanging tree, bookended by the only two people in the car park who care about their paintwork). Collapse into my desk a minute or two before 9, still plenty of time before the boss shows up…

09:15 – The Scrum – The most genteel, inappropriately-named standing-only meeting. You must stand. You may sit only if you’ve reached Director levels of Bad Back. My bad back doesn’t have capitals and doesn’t count. I must surreptitiously lounge against a venetian blind.

donkeyThe actual meeting is pretty much like asking your kids what they did at school today, but with more lies.

09:30 – A Heppyism Is Heard – These call-to-prayer-like eruptions can occur at any point during the working day unless the man himself is missing, presumed PIA*. This particular instance is a Number Three: Giant Donkey Laugh.

*Glossary of Terms
PIA – Powerpointing in Action. Not to be confused with PITA, that’s a different fellow

10:15 – Start Spotify, Don Headphones – Tone-deaf bouncy noises correspondent Don takes a meandering tour through chilled out vocal Dubstep, Happy Hardcore and Heavy Metal, interspersed with too-loud adverts featuring a owl-be-damnedcreepy middle-aged woman asking me in a knowing voice “are you in bed?” The filthy slattern.

10:30 – Breakfast – A hearty breakfast of sugary porridge, consumed with a giant spoon in about 4 mouthfuls. Then the choice: leave the bowl on my desk because I’ve just had a colourful glucose-induced brainwave and find it at the end of the day filled with concrete. Or take it straight to the sink and leave it to soak, dodging the deadly laser-eyes of the office manager fed up with finding the sink full of crap.

11:20 – A Heppyism Is Heard – Number Two: The Bellowed Expletive

my-wotsits11:45 – Second Breakfast – My technically-lunch is consumed, much to the chagrin of various colleagues, who get the I-can-smell-your-Wotsits* munchies.

*Glossary of Terms
Wotsits – A cheesy crisp. Not to be confused with wotsits, aka genitals

12:00 – An Epic Meeting Guaranteed To Run Into Lunch – As with so many meetings of late, this is a chance to present ideas and be insulted, usually concurrently.

“All your designs are just a bunch of circles, anyone could do that. We could train a chicken.”

13:25 – Lunch Should Have Started At One – Lead Dev and I shoot at German teenagers for a little light relief. They win Hans down.
karaoke
14:05 – A Heppyism Is Heard – Number Six: Unspecified Warbling. Could be Bon Jovi, could be Tina Turner, could be he’s having a stroke. We’ll never know.

14:30 – Maybe Actually Do Some Work? – This is optional. If there are unseen funnies on the interweb these obviously take priority. In their absence, I could wireframe up the next iteration of our UI, design and/or build bespoke customer templates or work on our weekly newsletter.

15:00 – Hungry Now – Tom regrets eating breakfast late and lunch early every day since Primary School. Sugary snacks are at this point consumed.
big-moustache
16:00 – Right, The Day Is Pretty Much Over – Time for my ninth cup of coffee and an attempt to follow today’s compulsory TV anecdote set in the seventies. I swear they just make up the names and use generic seventies filler memories, like “oh yes, he had the big moustache” or “yes, my uncle used to do that with the soap too”.

16:45 – We All Know This Is Actually Five O’Clock – Close programs individually, frantically scrub the concrete out of my breakfast bowl, go for a leisurely poo, gather my meagre possessions and leave. Get my second and usually last fresh air fix for the day, find a seagull* has crapped on my bonnet, sit in traffic in a poorly designed road system, then zip off to cut Richard and Judy up on the way home. Screw you Judy!
seagull
*Thesaurus of Doom
There’s no such thing as a Seagull apparently. This must be bollocks though because I see them all the time.

Tom Scott

 

@destaids

 

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